Hope Lost

I feel numb  - as if my world just fell apart again.

I watched my mother fail... she ended up killing herself.
We lost everything we had.

I've had 2 failed relationships/marriages. The last relationship, I thought was going to be forever - that was 16 years ago this year.

I've aborted one child - 20 years ago. The other child I adopted her out - she was taken from me the day she was born. That was 19 years ago.

I'm childless, husbandless and motherless. I'm a mental cripple - Bi-polar.

I have great days and I have awful days. Sometimes I want to die. I've tired suicide but fail each time... seems the medication is safe to take in abundance this day and age. My choice of suicide is a relatively easy choice - go to sleep forever. I am not a fan of guns - so that is out of the question. Hanging? Thought of that several times -- but afraid to survive it. Hell I can't even take a bunch of pills to die - I only get very sick. I feel like the "undying woman" over here sometimes.