I Married Death

My soul left me enshrouded in darkness this cold evening to go back to where it belongs - for it belongs to him. I feel his dark wings around me keeping my body warm enough to remain among the living. My mind walks though a cemetery and I feel all the comforts of home here. I married Death many years ago and I hear him calling me home.

1/24/2018, TDJ

How I Feel Today

Hope Lost

I feel numb  - as if my world just fell apart again.

I watched my mother fail... she ended up killing herself.
We lost everything we had.

I've had 2 failed relationships/marriages. The last relationship, I thought was going to be forever - that was 16 years ago this year.

I've aborted one child - 20 years ago. The other child I adopted her out - she was taken from me the day she was born. That was 19 years ago.

I'm childless, husbandless and motherless. I'm a mental cripple - Bi-polar.

I have great days and I have awful days. Sometimes I want to die. I've tired suicide but fail each time... seems the medication is safe to take in abundance this day and age. My choice of suicide is a relatively easy choice - go to sleep forever. I am not a fan of guns - so that is out of the question. Hanging? Thought of that several times -- but afraid to survive it. Hell I can't even take a bunch of pills to die - I only get very sick. I feel like the "undying woman" over here sometimes.

The Heart

A cold heart remains frozen in time until it can be thawed.
A heart of stone will erode over time, the winds of change, the rain of tears.
A black heart, the darkness within, depressed soul.
A red beating heart gives life and love.
A chained heart is bound to another.
A broken heart bleeds for it's love.
A stitched heart has been repaired, ready to try again.
A kind, soft heart gives, feels, understands.
A sweet heart is the nicest of people.
A heart of glass is easily shattered.

At least all of these people still have a heart. The heartless are another breed.

What Does It Matter

What does it matter when there's no love? What does it matter when there's no hope?
What does it matter when you have love in your heart and the rest of the world does not care?
What does it matter if I die without love? What does it matter when no one cares?
What does it matter when the world outside does not want to remain human or humane?
What does it matter when the rest of the world has forgotten what it means to be human?
What does it matter if I remain alone? What does it matter if I die right now?